#100 OMG ITS THE 100th POST

HUNDREDTH POST! :D 

Shall do some recaping of some sort yea, it’d been quite a while since i last started precisepolaroids. If you refer to post #1, precisepolaroids was started with the aim of showing the other side of me. The side that people dont really see when they’re around me cause’ it’s the “alone” side, and the sides which other people see. Because everyone have different impressions of everyone, and different people have different perspectives, thus different impressions of you. And so, i wanted to show the whole side of me here at precisepolaroids, where you get instant, precise snapshots of my life, and who exactly i am as a person. 

And unfortunately, i could never ever find out what others thought of me, and thus the 2nd goal of like showing the different sides of me failed already. And then, there came the problem of blogs, where things are real, but not exactly THAT real, because we humans, are afterall, afraid of being judged. And thus, its not that i twist the stories around on my blog, its just that i choose which part of me to show. Which, is very bad too. On emo days, i show the emo side, but then again, i dont explicitly state out my fears and worries like smack right in your face on precisepolaroids. HAHA that’s what friends are for eh, i tell them to my friends. (: Because afterall, blogs make me feel vulnerable. Which is very bad. 

So, this is to proclaim the failure of precisepolaroids, and cheers to the 100th post. Long way, but not THAT long either. OH MAN. So much has happened since the start of precisepolaroids, and i’m still learning on the way, each day. The friendship forged, the fun and not so fun stuff that happened, and all. (: OH MAN, and it only seems like 1 month ago when i started precisepolaroids. 

 

And then again, this 100th post has a special something to it, because, i guess, it’s gonna be the start of something new. (:

Start of Something New – High School Musical (stop laughing at me omg)

Living in my own world
Didn’t understand
That anything can happen
When you take a chance
I never believed in
What I couldn’t see
I never opened my heart 
To all the possibilities
I know that something has changed
Never felt this way
And right here tonight

This could be the start
Of something new
It feels so right
To be here with you
And now looking in your eyes
I feel in my heart
The start of something new

Now who’d of ever thought that
We’d both be here tonight
And the world looks so much brighter
With you by my side
I know that something has changed
Never felt this way
I know it for real

I never knew that it could happen
Till it happened to me
I didn’t know it before 
But now it’s easy to see

#99 Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.

I’m trying not to feel the hurt, but it still won’t go away.
I’m trying to act like everything is okay, when i know it’s not.
I didn’t have to read it, but curiosity got the better of me, and i read it anyway.
What am i holding on to?
It’s the memories and uncertainties that hurt the most, you know.
I know we’re built on stronger grounds than that, and if this has to get the better out of it, then i’d be totally lost for words.
I’m not perfect, no one is. 
And we all make mistakes.
This just shows how much it all means to you, and if it doesn’t mean a thing anymore, then why am i still so afraid to let it go and hang on to it?
It’s the memories and uncertainties that hurt the most, you know.
I never knew, it was based on the wrong thing to start with in the first place.
What a pity. A real pity.
I’ve always been the timid one, who never dares say what i truly feel.
And now i do, and it backfires.
So much for being independent.
So much for trying to figure out who i really am. 
Nonchalance was never the way to go. 
But i’m learning as the days pass, and it seems like that’s the only way out now, for me.  
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. 
It’s hard to let live, and ignore it, but i’d try.
I’d try my best to make things right.
I really would.
But no matter how much i want things to be alright, it never only takes 1 hand to clap. 
So meanwhile i’d try and forget about the sorrow, because IT’S CNY TMR!  

 

P.S  I’ve found my perfect role model today, and surprisingly, it’d been staring at my face for the longest time possible, and yet i never really realised, until things happen, and you can finally step out of your shell to think, and find refuge. And then refuge appeared, same thing, never realised that it’d been starting at my face, since forever, until things happen. That’s when you see. That’s when you truly see.

#98 Nothing hurts more than memories and uncertainties.

got this from pokxy’s blog. (: 

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” 

- Bob Marley. 

 

and i think it really applies to both genders (just change the she to he dammit).

Really screwed up week, with many screwed up shit.

I’m so tired.

The problem lies with me, i’m quite sure of it.

 

P.S CHECK OUT http://theglasshaus.wordpress.com/ MUST MUST MUST. especially if you’re facing some sort of r/s crisis.

#97 A Little Email From Esther

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. 

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. 

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. 

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. 

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. 

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. 

We’ve added years to life not life to years. 

We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. 

We conquered outer space but not inner space. 

We’ve done larger things, but not better things. 

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. 

We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. 

We write more, but learn less. 

We plan more, but accomplish less. 

We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. 

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. 

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. 

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. 

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. 

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete… 

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. 

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. 

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

#96 Kids (And Everything About Class CIP)

After like many many many weeks of preparation and all, we finally went for our class CIP today at some “orpahange” at tiong bahru. Dont really think it counts as an orphanage because it seems like more of a after school care. But then, the kids bathe there, have their meals there, and even sleep there. So, im not so sure, but anyhows, here goes. 

I swear, this whole trip has scarred me like nobody’s business. I think im a)not going to be a teacher anymore, b)not going to give birth for the whole of my life. OMG it was like a trip down to hell, i swear i was so traumatised and scared. ): 

We took like a 20 min walk from the mrt to that place, because it was like so frigging far, and the center was this unit that is located on the 1st floor of those HDB blocks. There was no sign board, no welcome sign, nothing. And then there was this weird smell, which i quite to bear, but i guess after a while my nose got used to it, so i didn’t smell anything anymore. The kids kindda expected us to be there, so they were like hogging the door and screaming like crazy like “wrong place!” “you’re not welcome!” “cannot enter!” “byebye go away!” like wth. hello we come and organise games and skit and give you food leh. and so we were all like errrr.. and then, when we went to put our bags down, the kids came and like scream into our ear, and like tap us on the shoulder and run away kind, omgggg and the nightmare hasn’t started yet. 

I’m really really damn amazed at how the leo and interact club people can actually communicate with kids, i thought kids were very angelic kind (well, at least those that i’ve seen). And this whole bunch was so different, my patience was like going down and down (let’s just say it wasn’t anywhere near the maximum to start with). I’m kind of throwing the idea that i was toying with, and that is to be a teacher when i grow up. because seriously, i can never ever handle the kids if they are like that.

And so, we made them sit down (finally!) and did the skit thing. I sat at the back with the kids, and then there was this question and answer section, this indian boy in red shirt kept raising his hand and didnt get called. Then he cried. OMG. ): poor thing la, and i swear i didnt know what to say. And then he didnt want to play the next game and all. And then suddenly, a lot of people dont want to play the next game, and they just started sitting in the corners and crying. Wahlao really dont know how to handle. ): 

So the 2nd game was some pick the marshmellows and transfer from this container to that container thing. took an eternity to split them up into groups. and some people didn’t want to be in the same group as some people, and so, they cry. ): and dont want to participate. Actually i feel that all these kids are very poor thing, it’s like they dont have their family already, and then they come to this centre, and they still need to get bullied, ostracised, feeling all lonely with no friends because everyone’s in cliques, and that sucks man. I wonder how they can ever get down to studying because i know for sure, i cant. Oh, and did i mention, you can’t eat in the centre (like junk and sweets and all), and you cannot use handphone. i seriouslyyyy will DIE. and the kids aren’t young know, 8 to 14 years olds. Feel rather sad for them.

So the marshmellow game, the losing group, got people cry also. And then, more people wanted to sit out. OMG it was so crazy. After that played musical chairs. horror of all HORRORS. The people that got out cause they can’t find a seat, started crying really really badly. and kept saying that our games suck and all, and that they dont want to play. omg i really didnt didnt didnt know what to do know. ): 

And then there was this fight going on, the boy was like angry that he got out, and then this girl came to tease him, so he push the table, and she push back, and they started screaming, and the girl started calling him a loser and coward, and the guy wanted to punch him. And, i nearly got punched. 8 year old kids. ): it’s hard to imagine where their life would go from here know.

Then this another guy, just sitting in the corner by himself because his shoelace got stuck in this rolling computer chair. This boy came up to him, called him a loser, and did some sex bomb dance to him, bully him like crazy, and then went outside to the laundry, took his PE shirt, and stepped on it, in front of his face. And that poor shoelace boy cant move because his shoe was stuck in the chair. If he could like respond, i swear BIG FIGHT man. ): It’s either just me, or that these things are very common between boys, because i’ve never ever saw such stuff before (10 years all girls school yo), and it’s scary. ): 

But after that, they came and perform for us, some of the more daring ones la. The shy ones just get ostracised in this place, which is a very very bad thing. They were such sweet talkers okay, like “thank you we really appreciate it”. hahaha made us feel fuzzy wuzzy inside but still, after needing to go through 2h of shit for this, i think i’d pass. (: I really want to help these kids, but its like i cannot even control the crowd, cannot get their attention, they are louder than me and all, i feel so stupid. And it’s not that i dont want to help them, but its like i dont know the way to approach them. ): poor kids know.

I felt so much for them, but it was such a struggle because there wasn’t a single shit that i could do.

Took a lot of videos of them (especially the fights and crying kids!) and youtube is being a bitch, shall come back later! (:

 

 

/edit: 

Musical Chairs Video

8 year old doing this is simply amazing.

crying kid. irrtating, but very funny. okay im mean, shoot me.

#95 Something to cheer you up

Apparently i got tagged by like weisin and peiyi, and i didn’t know!??! Until today, and thus, it’s something to cheer me up, and some cheap thrill entertainment for you. (: 

 

1: Besides your lips , where is your favourite spot to get kissed ?
Nose? Neck? I’ve no idea.

2: How do you feel when you woke up this morning ?
Excited. 

3: Who was the last person you took a photo with ?
Martin? At macs yesterday. HAHA. stupid peiyi the photographer (: 

4: Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
I would say so, i dont look spoiled in school, but at home, i dont do any house work, and i swear i dont know how to peel prawns.

5: Would you ever donate blood ?
totally. especially now that ___ needs it. (: i’d give all it takes.

6: Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex ?
Best friend no. Close to best friend yes. (but not anymore ah)

7: Do you want someone dead ?
never ever. people don’t deserve to die.

8:What does your last text message say ?
It’s from nadia (32nd SC) for some eclub showcase.

9:What are you thinking of right now ?
a lot of stuff. trying to figure a lot of things out. but there’s no answer to them.

10: Do you wish someone is with you right now ?
yes. ): 

11: What time did you go to sleep last night ?
11.30, but then how can i remember what time i slept right! 

12: Where did you buy the T-shirt you are wearing now ?
eh, im not wearing a t-shirt. 

13: Is someone on your mind right now ?
Since. i have no idea when.

14: Who was the last person to text you ?
nadia!

10PEOPLE TAGGED TO DO THIS QUIZ :

1) Yuexi
2) Angelina
3) Stephanie
4) Martin
5) Lincoln
6) Marcus
7) Ming Yang
8 ) Xuan Han
9) Kevin
10) Yang Sheng

15: Who is 2 having a relationship with ?
*mouth’s zipped*

16: Is 3 a male or a female?
EH. stephanie. obviously a girl’s name right!

17: If 7 and 10 get together will that be a good thing?
OMG gay! i know yang sheng is horny, but not THAT horny.

18: What is Number 1 studying about?
complicated and hard to study stuff. like geog, and chem, and maths, and econs and gp, and pw.

19: When was the last time you had a chat with them?
yuexi and angel and peiyi and martin and lincoln and xuan han and kevin, today. steph, 3 days ago. all other dali people, dali outing on saturday.

20: Is Number 4 single?
HAHA supposedly so. 

21: Say something about Number 2.
she bought me this black pencil that has a 7 colour lead. which i love very very much. and i love her very very much too! 

22: What do you think about Number 3 and 6 being together?
steph and marcus. HAHA they dont know each other thank you very much. 

23: Describe Number 9.
CLL buddy’s buddy. who is now buddy’s __________. 

24: What will you do if Number 6 and 7 fight?
eh, they’d be okay one la. just ignore. and get them to go night cycling. AGAIN. (: 

25: Do you like Number 8?
of course! she’s my cll buddy who lets me copy stuff. HEHE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

#94 That’s just the way you make me feel

My mood SWINGS. Very rapidly. On certain bad days. And i swear i won’t ever forget how stupid i am ever, especially on this day. And i’d really remember. 

it’s funny because i dont even know how it started, but it started off like this. And ended like that. From being happy in the day (skips all the content in the center) and then suicidal at night. If you’d plot it out, my emotions of the day are like the cosine curve. only maybe steeper, and requiring lots of space on the y-axis.

And this is one reason i tell myself, why i should never be in love. 

I thought i had it all, and then i look back again, i never had anything to start with at all. So it’s all up to the little brain of mine, and a little more than the heart itself, to let me feel the way i felt. And a little imagination along the way, to make it seem like the perfect fairytale. And if i were to replay today again, i’d replay my cards, this time, play it right. And hopefully i wont end up in such a state ever. (hopefully). But then again, this isn’t exactly a game, i was true to myself, and to you and if that’s the way you want it to be, there’s nothing i can do (i think). 

And so, i’d let it all remain this way, and see where it goes from here. And for now, its time for my little brain to take a little rest, but more importantly for the heart to rest, maybe for a day or two, because it cannot deal with anymore shocks anymore.

P.S It better not turn out to be what im suspecting it to be, because if it is, im sorry but you’re so dead.

Good night.

#93 I’m back to numbering my thoughts again.

1. DALI OUTING 3! (: was the blast, as usual. i really really love dali because we simply have so much fun together (although like never do anything) HAHA. and hopefully we’d still meet and keep in touch till next year, and not end up like what lincoln predicts, that we’d not even contact each other anymore. Hopefully. (: I’ve just realised, that i’m so much so much more closer to everyone in dali, than compared to the people in tj (a few expection). It’s like we’ve only spent 13 days together, and it seems like we’ve known each other for the whole of our lives already. I LOVE DALI. i really do. HAHA. and we’re supposed to celebrate jiada and mingyang’s bday ytd, and in the end the 2 jokers didn’t turn up la, wth. 

2. Help us love the people near to our hearts

3. First week of school down, 37 weeks more to farewell assembly (minus 4 weeks of june hols) and 39 weeks to A’s. This is exciting, and i can’t wait to get out and do what i really want to do. (: So no matter how unbearable it is, i’d bear it, because it’d be over before i know it. And i’d be out of the green green place (: 

4. I really hope that you get well soon.

5. Have you ever noticed how some scent would remind you of something or someone? I keep smelling this scent recently and then this image would keep popping up in my head. I dont know why, but i kind of miss you. ): 

6. Went down to spin spin with angel on wed, omg it’s super duper cool. My first time on the decks, swear it’s damn hard to coordinate the thing man, but woohoo i got it! (after 3 tries). HAHA. And while sitting there staring at her count the beats and all, i was trying to imitate (failed to a great extent) and it made me wonder, why didn’t i take music as an o’level subject? I totally could la, wth. And now i kind of really regret it. And i really regret giving up on my piano just cause of something that happened in the past. i’m so much phobia over it that i dont dare to touch it anymore ): if you’ve the gift, use it. i’ve the gift, and yet i didn’t. what a waste. 

7. Open house on tuesday! (: In short, just spent the day putting up the boards around the eclub booth, walking around selling subway cookies (greena: AUTHENTIC SUBWAY COOKIES, ONE FOR ONE DOLLAR, [:), sold a teeshirt (im a good salesman okay), went to eat half priced waffles with martin and peiyi, lao pa sat for dinner, walked all the way to chinatown via club st (omg it’s the coolest shit on earth, not comparable to dempsey, but cool enough, must go! felt so stupid going there in school uniform though. they had this really cool carpark which parks the car for you, we just stood there and starrrred for like an eternity. love it), and went to “taiwan” (aka chinatown, love it too). 

8. No games, no tricks up your sleeves, why can’t everybody just be themselves and do what they feel like doing. don’t you get the feeling sometimes that someone out there might be making use of you? then comes the question, what exactly is making use of? 

9. thank you for cheering me up when things aren’t exactly their bestest. thanks for the company and for all the fun all these while.

10. it’s really tiring if a relationship is built on fear and not love. ): and it’s really hard to love without fear.

#92 What doesn’t kill you, will only make you stronger.

Shock after shock after shock.
I dont need no “one litre of tears” to cry.
Because stephy’s post has just quicked the process.
Thank you so much.

 

/edit: i’m really thankful for my besties who’d provide me with both advice and listening ears. thank you very much. you know i love you. like a bucket full of love and counting. and like what i’ve said before, after the tears, it’d be time to move on. Who cares about what it is, really. 40 more weeks, and i’m flipping onto a new page. Afterall, what doesn’t kill you, will only make you stronger. and what kills you, will only make you even stronger. you’ve killed the me within, tore out the chapter, and now a new one’s being written, and i really like the way it’s turning out to be.

#91 The Day My Heart Stopped Beating

I must say that i’m scared. Really scared.

Exactly a year and a week ago, everything was fine, everyone was good. We were having so much fun prepping for the big day and all, and that actual day itself was a total blast. I still can remember everything that happened that day, every single detail, what people said, how i felt and all. It was really fun. (: An experience of a lifetime you would say. And then, exactly a year and a week later, we’ve to learn about it. If there’s one thing i’d say, that would be, Life is really unfair. Things never go the way we want them to, stuff we don’t even expect has to pop up. He did nothing to deserve this, neither did she. 

(and for that whole paragraph up there, i took 20min to type, because i simple cannot put my thoughts and feelings into words, not this time)

I am scared. And shocked. And terrified. She’d been there for us, and now it’s our time to be there for her. I know things won’t be easy, and sometimes, the more help is offered, the more complicated the situation becomes. I went speechless the whole night yesterday, after we hung up. Living in a daze, in shock you would say. I felt so speechless and emotionless, felt like crying but the tears wont flow. It was only when the lights were turned off, and i was preparing to sleep, then i went out of control. Then it flowed, and i couldnt get to sleep. You know, she’s really strong. If this is what it’s like for us, i cannot imagine how it’s like for her. 

And then, the many loose pieces started to form the complete picture, and things finally started to make sense. It’s such a struggle to live like this, mentally, emotionally and physically challenging, and i finally understood why i respected her so much. Finally. It’s what within that matters, and I can finally see. 

Behind those happy faces, the happy voice, is a tragic tale waiting to be told. Even the strongest will crumble at times. We’ve learnt. So cry all you want, live in the misery, just for a while, and move on. Easy said, hard to do. You know you’ve to be that pillar of strength for him.

And then, i went speechless again. Didn’t talk much in school today, didn’t feel like talking, was totally in the wrong frame of mind, just thinking and thinking and thinking about stuff, about how things was, and how things would become. It’d hurt her to know that we’re in this state, i know it would. And this is why, i’ve to be strong, we’ve to be strong, for her. To be there for her anytime, so that she would find the strength from within, to be there for him. And i wished, that god didn’t answer my prayers, and maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Can’t he find another way to answer it instead?! ): 

Crying is of no use now, so brace up, because the road ahead won’t be an easy one, we all know it. And there’s nothing we can do, except to be that pillar of support. Afterall, that’s what friends are for isn’t it? 

To you and you, I hope you get well real soon. (i dont know how to express my thoughts to words, this sucks.) I pray you have the strength to overcome all the odds, to think positively like you’ve always been doing so. Take every single part of me, down to my bones, if it’d help, anything that you’d need. You guys know that we’d be here, supporting you through it all. 

I believe in miracles, don’t you?

 

P.S I’ve learnt to treasure every single moment, every single breathe I take from now on. Suddenly, everything else just seems so insignificant, and i don’t know what to think, or feel anymore. And i feel so stupidly childish and immatured because like a few moments ago before we were told, we were still like pissed that she didnt tell us about THAT. But the 2nd wave that came, was something that we could not expect. Never did. And then, everything else started becoming insignificant again. 

 

(i’m sorry that this post doesn’t make sense. The thoughts dont flow congruently and im just typing whatever im feeling.)